Marriages are for Losers

Marriages are made in heaven, or that’s what they say. But ‘they’ sure are living on earth. And Earth is not such a friendly place. It takes a lot of effort to commit to a relationship and give it everything. Mostly, we are even ready to give it everything but we often don’t know what it takes.

In my relationship with my husband, I had been a more demanding partner. I had more ‘what to do’s’ and ‘what not to do’s’ to keep myself happy. You must think, I must be a mad person, since I have so many ‘ifs’ before I could be happy.

I always thought that I am a happy individual. But sooner I realized that I have only decreased my chances to be happy by increasing the number of clauses that define my happiness. “This I don’t like!”, “When he does this, it doesn’t make me feel nice”. “Why does he do this? I hate this”. The longer the list of things that I don’t like, the more the chances I would be unhappy.

This, I realized, was a problem I suffered all my life, even before I met my partner. My husband chose me with all my flaws and promised to be with me ‘in sickness and in health’. So there is no doubt that he took me with this sickness. He handled all the hardships I threw his way, he apologized for everything that he did that fell in my list, and he himself became the easiest person to please. He saw love in every little thing I did but I needed him to do things that I wanted him to do, to see his love.

I just had to be myself for him to love me but he had to be my ideal version of a husband for me to love him.

He eventually became a happier person individually, more happy, less stressed. I, on the other hand had only added another person in my life from whom I was expecting the undoable to be able to feel satisfied. We lived together happily, me with my demands and him trying to live up to my demands. But every person has a threshold and I think he crossed his in the fifth year of our marriage.

One fine day, nothing out of the ordinary happened. It was just another day with the most mundane of disappointments. I was away from him and home and he was suppose to call me, one of my demands which if he would have fulfilled I would have been happy. For some reason he didn't call me and I made a complain call to him for the same.  And my husband broke down. I hadn’t seen him so angry. Over the conversation filled with my arguments and complain he didn’t speak to me much, but the few words he said were slathered in disgust. It just didn’t make any sense. I thought I hadn’t done anything to deserve this. I was hurt. I slept over it hoping that he would in the morning apologize. But the next morning it was worse. He too had found time to contemplate over the outburst.

And so he finally told me, “I can’t take it anymore.”

It took me many sleepless nights and tired days to understand that he was not talking about that night. He was talking about the five years we had spent together. I went over all of it in my head again and again. And I noticed a pattern. This revelation changed my future with him.

I noticed that in our relationship, I was always winning. I was winning at arguments. I was winning at making him apologize. I was winning at everything. And just like that I stumbled upon the mantra that I swear by now. And here I say it out loud.

      Marriage is for losers. 

I understood that a marriage had to become a race to see which partner loses the most. At every stage, every fight, every argument, one had to try hard to lose to their partner and one would do just fine.

It surely doesn’t come easy. And that’s not a surprise. We are hardwired to win. Life is a competition and we have been told that winning is important. ‘Truth Always Wins’. “Be A Winner”. “Survival of The Fittest”. Winning is glorified. From winning approval of our parents, to winning friends, from winning the competition in our school to winning a deal or a case as a professional, winning is all we strive for.

‘LOSER’ is not a beautiful word. But we must let winning lose its glamour. At least for this one. We must let losing be about humility, forgiveness, sacrifice, care, service, empathy.

Next time there is a disagreement and you know with all your heart that you are right and he is wrong, let him take that one. Let him take all the ones. Ensure that he wins.

Let losing be cathartic.

I knew he had always ensured that I always won. Only if I did the same, we would be two happy losers in our little world of mutual surrender. The below text is one such losing act in our wining relationship 😊

          Happily married ever after

 

My mantras towards Happy Life😊

In gratitude lies my blessing- In the heart of thankfulness is a host of blessings waiting for you to seize. Stay filled with a heart of gratitude.                                        

My greatest challenges created my resilience– Challenges have a way of making us aware and teaches us things that we need to learn. I found my resilience in my greatest challenge.            

I release the need to control the outcome– too much time is spent on controlling a situations outcome release the need and affirm that all is as it should be and always works in your favor.

I share my happiness with those around me– Happiness should be shared, you never know you may be saving someone’s life.

I will watch my words– words are like sweet honey, or venom. Choose your words wisely and let them be supportive, uplifting, and alluring.

My body is my vehicle– your body is to be well kept and filled with all things good. Practice the art of self- love and care.

I am enough– Just as I am there is so much value in me. I am more than meets the eye.

I am filled with love and compassion– Love is the key to heal our world, and compassion is its sister. The more love and compassion I have the more I am creating an impact in my world.

"Home and Away"

HAs I brace myself to move again in a few years, I look back and I know that squeezing my life into a suitcase and leaving was the best decision that I could have possibly made. Because when you move away, when you turn your life into a journey filled with uncertainty, you grow up in unexpected ways.

You face new challenges, you get to know parts of you, you didn’t know existed, you’re amazed at yourself and at the world. You learn, you broaden your horizons. You unlearn, and after coming down and embracing a few lessons, you start growing in humility. You evolve. You feel homesick… and you shape memories that will stay with you forever. If you’ve ever lived away from home or embarked on a long journey, I’m sure you too have felt these 17 things that change forever when you live abroad.

1. Adrenalin becomes part of your life.

From the moment you decide to move abroad, your life turns into a powerful mix of emotions – learning, improvising, dealing with the unexpected… All your senses sharpen up, and for a while the word “routine” is dismissed from your vocabulary to make space for an ever rising adrenalin thrill ride. New places, new habits, new challenges, new people. Starting anew should terrify you, but it’s unusually addictive.

2. But when you go back… everything looks the same.

That’s why, when you get a few days off and fly back home, it strikes you how little everything has changed. Your life’s been changing at a non-stop pace, and you’re on holidays and ready to share all those anecdotes you’ve been piling up. But, at home, life’s the same as ever. Everyone keeps struggling with their daily chores, and it suddenly strikes you: life won’t stop for you.

3. You lack the (and yet you have too many) words.

When someone asks you about your new life, you lack the right words to convey all you’re experiencing. Yet later, in the middle of a random conversation, something reminds you about ‘that time when’…, and you have to hold your tongue because you don’t want to overwhelm everyone with stories from your ‘other country’ and come across as pretentious.

4. You come to understand that courage is overrated.

Lots of people will tell you how brave you are – they too would move abroad if they weren’t so scared. And you, even though you’ve been scared, too, know that courage makes up about 10% of life-changing decisions. The other 90% is purely about wanting it with all your heart. Do you want to do it, do you really feel like doing it? Then do it. From the moment we decide to jump, we’re no longer cowards nor courageous – whatever comes our way, we deal with it.

«It’s a dangerous business, going out of your safe door. You step onto the road, and if you don’t keep your feet, there’s no knowing where you might be swept off to.»

5. And, suddenly, you’re free.

You’ve always been free, but freedom feels different now. Now that you’ve given up every comfort and made it work thousands of miles away from home… you feel like you’re capable of anything!

6. You no longer speak one particular language.

Sometimes you unintentionally let a word from another language slip. Other times you can only think of a way of saying something… with that perfect word which, by the way, is in the wrong language. When you interact with a foreign language on a daily basis, you learn and unlearn at the same time. All the while you’re soaking up cultural references and swear words in your second language, you find yourself talking at home in your mother tongue so it won’t get rusty.

7. You learn to say goodbye… and to enjoy yourself.

You soon realize that now, most things and people in your life are just passing through, and you instinctively play down the importance of most situations. You perfect the right balance between bonding and letting go – a perpetual battle between nostalgia and pragmatism.

8. You have two of everything.

Two cell phones, two sim cards, two bank accounts… And two types of currency, which always end up mysteriously mixing when you’re about to pay for something.

9. Normal? What’s normal?

Living abroad, like traveling, makes you realise that ‘normal’ only means socially or culturally accepted. When you plunge into a different culture and a different society, your notion of normality soon falls apart. You learn there are other ways of doing things, and after a while, you too take to that habit you never thought you’d embrace. You also get to know yourself a little better, because you discover that some things you really believe in, while others are just a cultural heritage of the society you grew up in.

10. You become a tourist in your own city.

That tourist trap you may not have visited in your country only adds up to the never-ending list of things to do in your new home, and you soon become quite the expert on your new city. But when someone comes over for a few days and asks for some suggestions, you find it really hard to recommend but a few things – if it were up to you, you’d recommend visiting everything!

Part of the book «Oh, the places you’ll go!», by Dr. Seuss.

11. You learn how to be patient… and how to ask for help.

When you live abroad, the simplest task can become a huge challenge. Processing paperwork, finding the right word, knowing which bus to take. There’s always moments of distress, but you’re soon filled with more patience than you ever knew you had in you, and accept that asking for help is not only inevitable, but also a very healthy habit.

12. Time is measured in tiny little moments.

It’s as if you were looking through the car window – everything moves really slowly at the back, in the distance, while in front of you life passes by at full speed. On the one hand, you receive news from home – birthdays you missed, people who left without you getting the chance to say goodbye one last time, celebrations you won’t be able to attend. On the other hand, in your new home life goes by at top speed. Time is so distorted now, that you learn how to measure it in tiny little moments, either a Skype call with your family and old friends or a dinner with the new ones.

13. Nostalgia strikes when you least expect it.

A food, a song, a smell. The smallest trifle can overwhelm you with homesickness. You miss those little things you never thought you’d miss, and you’d give anything to go back to that place, even if it were just for an instant. Or to share that feeling with someone who’d understand you…

14. But you know it’s not where, but when and how.

Although deep down, you know you don’t miss a place, but a strange and magical conjunction of the right place, the right moment and the right people. That year when you traveled, when you shared your life with special ones, when you were so happy. There’s a tiny bit of who you were scattered among all the places you’ve lived in, but sometimes going back to that place is not enough to stop missing it.

15. You change.

I’m sure you’ve heard about life-changing trips. Well, they’re not a commonplace – living abroad is a trip that will profoundly change your life and who you are. It will shake up your roots, your certainties and your fears. Living in London changed me forever in many ways, and if it weren’t for that experience, I probably wouldn’t be about to embark on my next life adventure right now. Maybe you won’t realise it, or even believe it, before you do it. But after some time, one day you’ll see it crystal clear. You’ve evolved, you’ve got scars, you’ve lived. You’ve changed.

16. You fit your home into a suitcase.

From the moment you squeeze your life into a suitcase, whatever you thought ‘home’ was doesn’t exist anymore. Almost anything you can touch can be replaced – wherever you travel, you’ll end up stockpiling new clothes, new books, new mugs. But there will come a day when you’ll suddenly feel at home in your new city. Home is the person traveling with you, the people you leave behind, the streets where your life takes place. Home is also the random stuff in your new flat, those things you’ll get rid of in the blink of an eye when the time to leave comes. Home is all those memories, all those long-distance calls with your family and friends, a bunch of pictures. Home is where the heart is.

17. And… there’s no turning back.

Now you know what it means to give up comfort, what starting from scratch and marveling at the world every day feels like. And it being such a huge, endless world… How could you choose not to keep traveling and discovering it?

LETTER

Dear Tass!!! 

Welcome to this world. This is a beautiful, Lovely and Amazing place, you have been sent here to make it more beautiful and more amazing. ...... 

Who has sent us ???? No body has been able to know that till date and probably its not even important. So please don't waste your time on such questions. We all have a limited time here. And however we might have, it always seems less. There is so much to see, so much to know and so much to experience. That you don't have any time to waste. You can become anything, you can do anything, you can change the world. Try something new everyday. Try to learn and understand something new. And if in doubt, Remember! its always better to regret something after doing it rather then regretting without doing it. Cause by doing something,even if you don't gain anything you will gain experience. Which is very valuable. Experience everything, but don't get addicted. Experience will help you differentiating right from wrong. It will prevent you from committing mistakes but don't be afraid of committing mistakes. Only those who do something makes mistakes. Take responsibilities for your mistakes, and then rectify them. Forgive other people's mistake and give them a chance to rectify it. No one likes to commits mistakes, no one misbehaves on purpose.You don't know, what's going on anyone's life. So treat everyone the way you treat yourself. Be as lenient to others as you are to yourself. Respect everyone, trust everyone and most important love everyone. ..... Love is very sparse in this world and everyone needs it. You will need it too!! Don't hesitate to ask for it. Don't hesitate to show it. Life is short to be shy. Dance like there is no tomorrow, sing with all your heart, eat as much as you can, laugh loudly and always cry like a baby. Only your body should grow old, but not your heart. The day you loose your innocence, you loose your life. Think about future but don't worry about it. Think about past but don't get lost in it. There will be good days and bad. Don't boast too much when the days are good, don't loose hope when the days are bad. Don't give yourself all the credit for all the success. And never blame others for your failures. Just keep moving forward. Keep spreading happiness and always remember, you have been sent here just for one reason. To make this world more beautiful and more amazing.  
                                                                                               
Loads of  Love......