So Violent and yet so Silent....

For the last couple of hours I have a lump in my throughout and every few minutes tears fill my eyes but I don't cry. It's been there for many years, and those tears, they sneak up my eyes so often, every time I face one of those very well known moments that touch me inside and just like a button make those tears flow. But I never cry.

And I am dying to cry, for once and for all, cry for real. I feel I am repressing myself, for so long. The longer I hold this cry inside me I am more scared to let it out. I am afraid of the sound it will make, I am afraid I wont be able to stop, I am scared I wont be able to breath. But I think if I do cry, it will be such a tremendous release that I must do this. Sometimes I feel I am almost there, but I never cry.

TV makes the tears run down my face very easily... Every time someone finds love, every time someone loses a loved one. A story about making a dream come true after working very hard for it. All those portrayed moments of unity, friendship, kindness, caring or generosity between people, those really get to me... I know these are Hollywood sob stories designed to make you emotional. The connection to my life which is utterly missing any of the above is obvious. I still am not able to fully comprehend nor be closer to find a way to heal. And I never cry.

I-want-to-cry-my-eyes-out!!! I want to let it all out! feel my rib cage go up and down again and again, pushing all of the tears and the pain out of my body, I want to be able to make a sound, hear my own voice without worrying how it sounds, get rid of the shame... why cant I do that? I have this scream inside me, it is a so shattering and chilling, how can something be so violent and strong yet so silent?

Still haven't left London ....

As it got closer to the day I inevitably had to fly back home to India, I kept catching myself thinking about what I will miss about living in London. This list could have honestly been endless and I’m sure I would forget so many things I love about this amazing city, but I wanted to share just a few that consistently come up in my thoughts throughout my day. 

What I have been Missing about Living in London - Never Checking Tube or Bus Timetables Despite all the hate that the buses and the tube gets from commuters on a daily basis, I have to admit that London definitely has one of the world’s best public transport systems. There are only two reasons I check the www.tfl.com website – to find out how to get somewhere and how long it will take me to get there.   - Free Cash Withdrawals I’m sure many of you can relate that there is nothing more annoying than needing cash and not being able to find your banks ATM. There’s just never one around when you need it, or it’s out of order. That’s why I love seeing the “Free Cash Withdrawals” sign above nearly every of cash point here in London. I don’t have money to waste on fees! - Being Able to Say “I Live in London” I know I’ll be able to say I lived in London, but I’ll miss the excitement I get from knowing I live in one of the worlds major Global Cities; that amazing sense of self-fulfillment knowing that London is a place that so many people dream of living in. There’s nothing more satisfying than catching a glimpse of Tower Bridge or the London Eye, or driving past Big Ben on my way home from a night out. - The Accent

"Hi ya !!! You okay my love?"I can’t go past this one, because honestly I love that I have picked up the slightest hint of a British accent (even if it is only a few words, or when my friends and I are putting it on for fun). It’s has been hard keeping it once I’m back home.      - The Weather Yes, I know what you’re thinking…”Tass! What are you on about?! You’ll miss the London weather?! You’ve gone mad!” and yes, I probably have! But in all seriousness I really miss the London weather. It doesn’t rain that much, and the winter isn’t that bad. Summer in London has made me appreciate the warmth of the sun so much more. I’m such a sucker for dressing up in the winter! The coats, the boots, the scarves, the beanies!  - Being so close to Europe Travel. Travel. Travel! I hardly think this point needs an explanation, but despite rarely having any savings I still had managed to feed my lust and ticked off a few more destinations.  - The Friends I’ve Made  Over the past two years I had met so many people who had made my expat experience unlike anything I could have had imagined. We were a special group of people, expats; all drawn to London, helped each other when things completely fall apart and celebrated in style when things fell together, because we’re all going through it together. 
I was looking forward to going home so much and being able to spend a proper, extended amount time with my friends and family. However, I’ll missed being a part of something big, something almost exclusive. I knew everyone back home was wondering how long I’ll stay home. I haven’t even left London yet and I was already asking myself the question “Where next?” 

 The only lines on my head......

“I’m not sure what I’ll do, but I want to go places, and see people. I want my mind to grow. I want to live where things happen on a big scale.”

Missed Home......

 

While solo travel isn’t for everyone, it is certainly something that I walked away from with my head held high and a number of life lessons under my belt. But the solo travel blues do kick in now and then, and that is particularly true when you reserve a ‘table for one’ and stand there firmly as the waiter surveys your request. I can’t be sure, but I’m guessing he’s thinking “why would a young girl be eating at a nice restaurant on her own”… or perhaps more accurately “why did this girl just order three desserts, in a row, and eat all of them without a hint of guilt”.

Waking up in the morning, I was always eager to go out and seek adventure, see more sites in a day than one would normally fit into a 3 day itinerary, and come back at the end of the day to have a rest, maybe check my emails, and head out for dinner. Ahh, there it is….dinner. You can forget about the world outside of your adventure while you are racing around soaking up a city like a sponge, but as soon as you sit down at that dreaded ‘table for one’ that is set for two, the emotions creep their way through, and can hit you like a Mack truck. At first I struggled to put my finger on it and wasn’t able to accurately ascertain why I would miss home or contact at the end of each day. But then it came to me one night over a three course meal and a couple of extra desserts in Scotland.  When you are travelling to a foreign place, everything is new, exciting, fascinating, and sometimes feels surreal. The end of the day is usually a point of reflection, to consider everything that happened during the day – what you loved, what you didn’t love, and “what on earth was that woman wearing on  Streets?”

Solo travelling revokes your opportunity to reflect with another, whinge about a few things and laugh about much of what you encountered. So I would have to say that this is (one of the few) low points of travelling solo, which could be somewhat mitigated by venturing to a bar and meeting people (which I did, a few times). But the important thing to remember is that when you wake up and realise where you are, then open the curtains to confirm and race the clock to head out the door, the sadness is gone – you don’t miss home, but home still misses you.

The Lighted streets and crowed pathways....

Meena Bazaar at night… cars, cycles, pedestrians, clothes, shoes, jewellery, food – all shout out loud and simultaneously for attention! Contrary to the glitzy shopping malls in Dubai, Meena Bazaar has a different charm altogether. From glaring lights to the blaring horns from cars struck in the perennial traffic, from the snaky lanes and by-lanes to the crowded main-road, from Indian and Pakistani stores selling traditional clothings to Iranian spice shops, from haute-couture fashion Boutiques (selling mainly traditional Indian and Pakistani ethnic attire) to stores selling high-street fashion, branded watch-houses to shops – the ’10 Dirhams shops’ selling inexpensive models of electronics to home products, from computers to spare-parts, from quick-fixers like cobblers and menders to expensive tailoring shops – I love Meena Bazaar. Specially, when the narrow dark alleys suddenly open up and you are hit with the bright sunlight and the sparkling sea-green waters of the Dubai Creek! Did I say sunlight? Oops, mistake – this  is about Meena Bazaar at night!

UK love!! The British indulgence in Indian culture.

London, there what I want to start on with, the amazing place for breathe free environment. The red double Decker bus makes me come alive with its color in dull winters of black and grey dressed people around. The telephone booths make me want to call home for sharing that small standing space with family talks and create memories to stay. The large spaced gardens give me a lot of time to wonder on my own and sit on the wooden benches besides strangers and have friendly conversations.  The typical British weather, made me pack-unpack my seasonal clothes mourning about and at the same time also the excitement of what the tomorrow is gonna be like. The marchers on the palace made me stand still and give up on thinking how wonderfully one can be still for longer hours. The Big Ben made me see time on it though I already knew what time it was and made me smile within for I not only looked up to it for time but its beautiful archaeology. Thames purity and London bridge gave me a sense of peace in heart when I stood there looking at the waters and hear the wonderful sounds.The chaos on oxford street never left me alone and unknown. The culture of different worlds at one place united, feeded my brain with broadness and equality. The sculpture on roundabouts made me stop and never be tired to click and capture them for remembrance . London has always and will always be the best place on my list of beautiful magnetic lands, which has my heart there and pulls me towards for every occasion i am free. My so very second home and loved place will be one day my only place where i would only live having my day to day life. A lot to unwind and explore through the eyes and miles to take with those holding hands of the loved ones. The sparking Christmas to come for years and treat with the delicious cakes with the icing of love. London, the color RED and the bright people will always have a special place in my heart for the love has been known to me for eternity the day I have been close to you. My own renamed "Loved kingdom" live long.