For the last couple of hours I have a lump in my throughout and every few minutes tears fill my eyes but I don't cry. It's been there for many years, and those tears, they sneak up my eyes so often, every time I face one of those very well known moments that touch me inside and just like a button make those tears flow. But I never cry.
And I am dying to cry, for once and for all, cry for real. I feel I am repressing myself, for so long. The longer I hold this cry inside me I am more scared to let it out. I am afraid of the sound it will make, I am afraid I wont be able to stop, I am scared I wont be able to breath. But I think if I do cry, it will be such a tremendous release that I must do this. Sometimes I feel I am almost there, but I never cry.
TV makes the tears run down my face very easily... Every time someone finds love, every time someone loses a loved one. A story about making a dream come true after working very hard for it. All those portrayed moments of unity, friendship, kindness, caring or generosity between people, those really get to me... I know these are Hollywood sob stories designed to make you emotional. The connection to my life which is utterly missing any of the above is obvious. I still am not able to fully comprehend nor be closer to find a way to heal. And I never cry.
I-want-to-cry-my-eyes-out!!! I want to let it all out! feel my rib cage go up and down again and again, pushing all of the tears and the pain out of my body, I want to be able to make a sound, hear my own voice without worrying how it sounds, get rid of the shame... why cant I do that? I have this scream inside me, it is a so shattering and chilling, how can something be so violent and strong yet so silent?
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